April

April is always really depressing for me now.

It used to always be one of my most favorite months - next to December (cuz seriously, how can you top Christmas and winter break??). I always loved it because, like December, it was a holiday time for me. My entire family had birthdays in April, which was horribly convenient - like a second Christmas, only spanned out a couple different days. My brother and I, growing up, would often have joint birthday parties, get to open presents the same day, etc, etc. And then, it was just easy for us, later on, to shop for everyone at once.

Well, now I'm out of the house, and April is just another month to everyone else.

I've talked about this time and time again, because it still really, really hurts. Seeing so many people here at college with amazing friends who would go to the ends of the earth and back for one another, putting on insanely complex surprise parties, decorating doors with hundreds upon hundreds of individually-kissed post-it notes... Last year, I did every last bit of my birthday myself - I was even going to have to be the one to pick up pizzas, and I bought my own cake. Should have just invited stuffed animals and my own presents, and the transformation into Megan-sucks would be complete. And I feel awful, because I should feel happy to have the three or four friends I had that showed up without having to be reminded... but I just feel lousy... seriously... I wish I could explain what happened freshman year to make me so depressed on my birthday, but honestly, I can't. Not in full. No one remembered (one did, but it wasn't too terribly helpful...), and no one cared. I posted on Facebook complaining about how everyone does everything for everyone else, and everyone was like "Oh, you're such a drama queen." Yeah. Drama queen. FUCK YOU! So I watched Sixteen Candles three times. And then that other stuff I can't talk about. Haven't even been able to talk to a shrink about it. Cory is the only one who knows apart from me. Anyone who knows me well enough, though, could probably figure it out with careful consideration.

I made an appointment to see my old shrink - it's been two years... - but it wont be til after my birthday. Hooray for lots of panic attacks til then... :(

Fuck. My. Life.

To the jerk in my psychology class.

I can't stand it that I can't stop thinking about you.

Mostly because thinking about you makes me want to throw up, and there are so many better things to think about.

After so many years of struggling to figure out this thing called existence (which I'm still struggling with), I was just beginning to believe that there was perhaps just a little goodness in the world after all.

I try to remind myself that perhaps you're an exception - there are plenty of good people out there.

But it bothers me that people like you are even allowed to exist.

You dropped out of high school halfway through because it didn't matter to you. It sounds like you have no relationship with any family or friends, a complete loner. If you have friends, my sincere condolences to them.

You bought your high school diploma -- you fucking BOUGHT it. People worked hard for it. No, fuck them, you think. It's their fault for not figuring out how easy it is to fake through it.

You were in the army. Good. You belong there. Go back. Please.

Oh, I know, you do plan to go back. You were annoyed because you could only go so far without being a college graduate. You can't be a general. You had to take orders. So, here you are, taking classes and bullshitting your way through them, using your groupmates, your teachers, everything, to your full advantage. You don't care about "fair." You don't care about "ethics" or none of that shit. The world is yours to exploit.

That's why you're taking psychology. So you better know how to influence and manipulate people.

That's why you're taking criminal justice, so you can find those loopholes you love and exploit them.

You earn money with poker, cuz you know how to read people and exploit them. Great.

I can't wait for this class to be over. I hope to never have a class with you again.

I can't wait for you to graduate and go back to the army.

I hope your whole platoon gets blown up in Iraq. Oh, I'd feel bad for them, sure, but I'd love for you to feel guilt for something in your life.

Although you'd probably just say they were all fucking retards and they should've known better. You wont even admit that you were the one who sent them there.

You'll find a girlfriend one day who'll fall totally in love with you.

But you wont love her.

You'll use her, bask in her complete dependence of you. But you could drop her in a heartbeat, and feel nothing. She'd probably go off and kill herself. And you wouldn't care.

We in psychology have a term for people like you.

Narcissists.

oh, and another one

Psychopath.

It's a perfect definition, actually. Look it up.

Forget your platoon getting blown up.

I hope it's you who gets blown away.

I rarely ever wish death upon someone, but I can't see any reason for someone like you to be in the world.

Except perhaps to show the rest of us the darker side of things, so that the light looks a little brighter.

I can't wait for that day.

In the meantime.

Fuck off, do some work, and I don't fucking care.

So, I suppose I should update :P

So, I've been in Flagstaff for five days.

Five killer awesome days! :D

Friday I drove up, and I got to see both my wife Amber and my wonderboyfriend! ^_^

Saturday, Alyssa arrived. And oh man, she is the most awesome roommate EVER! We are so alike, I can just, yknow, be myself! :) She's messy like I'm messy, she's perverted like I'm perverted, she likes all the same things I like, and dude, we even have inside jokes going. "That was easy!" :P We also leave the door open (which I NEVER did last year), so I've gotten to know some of my neighbors pretty well. :P Specially Thea and Laura, who I knew last year, but yeah. We just randomly will have lets-sit-in-the-middle-of-the-hallway-and-talk times. :D

So, yup. I'm pretty much high on life right now, cuz I'm not, like, stuck in my room twenty-four freaking seven with my stupid thoughts. I get to see people, I get to regularly interact with people. And that makes me happy. ^_^ Although at first, I was kinda overwhelmed, but it's balanced out and now it's perfect.

I'm also totally KICKING ASS on Rock Band! Dude, I feel like a rock star while I play mah drums. Just call me Ringo. :P

Now, what I don't like about being back at NAU this year are my classes >.< Gawd, I don't want to go to class at ALL. EVER. None of them. Okay, well, on Mon/Weds, not so bad, but Tues/Thurs.... blech! I'm DREADING my Psych writing class. We have to do a study in GROUPS! And we have some very "special" people in our class - like this guy who was in my stats class last year who clearly has a learning disability, due to his constant question-asking and taking tests separately from the rest of the class (which you're only allowed to do with special permission), and then this black guy who not only had a weird accent, but he was a hardcore stumbler! He t-t-t-t-t-t-t-talked li-li-like-like th-th-this-this. He was in my small group for the day and the rest of us all looked at one another, trying to figure out what to do or say, because we KNEW he was trying to say something really, really important, but we couldn't understand a fucking word. ...yeah. I'm pretty much dreading that class and can't WAIT for it to be over. God, I hate group work :( OH! And not just that, they were like "Okay, list some things in Psychology you are really, really, REALLY interested in, and find some articles you'd love to read about that has to do with those interests, and turn them in. We'll use these to place you guys into groups!" And I was like, okay, so, crazy lots of "art therapy in depressed adolescents" articles. I'm gonna end up with a "Should the drinking age be lowered to 18" group or something. Blech.

I also crazy hate the altitude. I can't excercise for SHIT up here! Back in T-town, I could do the ellipticals no problem. Now? Oh my gawd, I almost died. :( No wonder I always give up in my PE classes. Cuz I KNOW I'm better than what I end up doing, and it drives me NUTS! Damn altitude. Why does oxygen hate me so much???

Um, well, other than that, not too much to report. I'm going to go back to Peter Piper, mostly cuz I'm too lazy to find a real job. I'm hoping it'll be better this time. So yeah.

Another Schoolyear Approaching...

Summer is ending so fricken fast. It went by so fricken fast (once I got that job, really...). I didn't do ANYTHING I'd planned to do this summer. :( I never visited The Drawing Studio, never took an art class, never got CPR certified, never even had a water balloon fight. I did lose some weight, which is awesome, and I got that job, but other than that, I was basically being my usual slob of a self :(

Now another school year is about to start, and I really have no. idea. how to feel about it. I want to feel super duper crazy excited, but I don't. I don't feel much of anything, but at the same time, a little of everything. I'm happy to be able to go back and see Cory and other people again after so long, but also sad because there will be people missing, like Chris. I'm a bit excited to be rooming with the uber-fantabulous Alyssa, but also apprehensive that she and I will end up hating each other, or, more precisely, that she will end up hating me because of my messiness and stubbornness. I worry that I'll continue to be stuck in this awful, confidence-shattering limbo between groups of friends, and that I'll never find a place where I am both accepted and also comfortable with the people I'm with. It seems like the people I want to spend time with don't want to spend time with me, and that the people who do want to spend time with me, I absolutely cannot stand. Like Glenn, and a girl down my hall who is the female equivalent of Glenn. I also hold no excitement whatsoever for any of my classes, even jewelry-making, and I'm downright dreading my psychology writing course. I'm just so sick of classes. And I am not looking forward to leaving Toys R Us and going back to Peter Piper Pizza, and that's if I even go back to Peter Piper. I loved it at TRU, and I've made amazing connections with some of the people who work there, particularly this woman, Rachel (what is with me and people named Rachel? :S I may have to name a daughter that one day). I felt like I was really excelling at something again, and that I could've gone on to do great things. And now I may have to go back to Peter Piper and go back to feeling like a floor mat. And all the uncertainties that surround the start of another new job just sounds frightening to me. I hate that complete feeling of cluelessness and panic over how to do things right.

I really hope this new year will be better than the two before it. I'm trying to focus on the good things coming up but it's really, really hard when you're a type-A personality... I'm trying to think of all the good that may come from having Alyssa as a roommate. I've been reminding myself that Cory has some days off each week so we can actually spend some time together. And then, probably the one thing that has me totally giddy with excitement, a week after I go back I'll be taking a four-day trip to Utah with Alyssa and Eric and Kim and people, and I know I'm going to have a blast (I've always enjoyed camping), and I'm praying that they'll all finally see how awesome of a person I am. None of them have really spent more than a couple hours with me, and even in those couple of hours, they tend to end it with "Wow, Megan. I never knew this or that about you. You're funny! We need to hang out more." Maybe after that trip, they wont forget.

Oh, some other things that're really bugging me about having to go back - cleaning my room and getting all my stuff together here, and also leaving my family and Jessica behind. So yeah.

Shopping, Dr. Horrible, and more! :D

So, I totally crazy spent like all day with my bestest friend Jessica :D

This post will be about shopping a girly stuff, and I'm sure any boys (*cough*Cory*cough*) who reads this would rather not have to read this, even if I do talk about my butt, so for their convenience...

START OF FASHION TALK

So, today, I got my paycheck which was wicked huge cuz of all the hours I got this week, so I decided to finally truly splurge a bit on myself. I've wanted a pair of wide-legged trousers, but they tend to be so expensive, so I've been holding out, getting only shirts if I get anything at all.

But lots of awesome end-of-summer sales are happening, so I also got some shirts!

I totally intended to post pictures of all the shirts, courtesy of the fashionbug and lanebryant websites, buuuut fashionbug only has one of the shirts, so screw that. But the shirts I got are SO CUTE! Like, halter top and lacy awesomeness and a cute green button down, oh man. :D Amazing.


But anyways, here are my splurge pants, or as Jessica calls them, the booty pants! (Right, Jessica? :P)

They're very long and need to be hemmed. I need to show my mom and see what she thinks, but yeah. I considered getting one a little closer to my length, but it didn't look very good in the butt area, and these pants made my butt look HOT, so yeah :P The whole reason why I wanted to spend crazy amounts of money on pants was because I am SICK of having these pants which don't fit me right. These fit me right, even if they're a little long - a little long is more easily fixed than not fitting around other areas, so yeah.

I had uber lots of fun shopping, and I wish I could do it more often, but of course, there's that whole "money is required" thing...

END FASHION TALK

In other news, I am TOTALLY CRAZY FREAKING OBSESSED with Dr. Horrible now. I cannot even begin to explain the depths of my love for the 3-Act masterpiece... ooooooooohmigawd... :D

AND THERE'S TOTALLY GONNA BE A FOURTH ACT!! I hope I hope I hope... there's rumors - RUMORS! And kinda sorta confirmation from Joss Whedon. So yeah.

My T-Shirt Quilt

So - HURRAH! I totally found all my t-shirts (and my Harry Potter box, tee hee)! I've already begun to cut a few of them up, and with some of them I'm like "Okay, what the hell was I thinking?" or "I can't believe I wore this crappy shirt my mom bought" and other times I'm like "Hahaha, me and my nerdiness..." and then there's "Oh man... I don't know how I can chop up this shirt..." (This last one is especially true with my Jovert shirts).

But I want to chop up pretty much every shirt regardless of how I feel about it - or rather, because of all these feelings about it. I kind of want this to be a symbolic passing of an era, if you will. God, all through high school, and before, these t-shirts were what I was. I always wore a tshirt and jeans - always. It kinda came a part of my identity after my elementary and middle school years of wearing every awful thing my mother ever bought me (and my mother has pretty awful fashion sense...). But I'm beyond that now - I don't wear Inuyasha on my chest anymore. No "Muggle," no "Invade Canada." I can't stand the feel of t-shirts and I'm sick of the lame things on the front. I wanna be girly now, and you really can't be girly in a tshirt (although I'm saving a few for comfort-times).

I'd like to save all the memories, though. I thought a quilt would be the best way. So I've got all these squares already cut up, and I'm cutting up more. When it's done (and I'm planning on making it queen-sized), I'll be able to sit down with it and look over it and remember my childhood, in a way. It'll be pretty sweet to have all that, while not looking like a lamewad wearing it all out of the house.

P.S. The remaining material from the shirts, since I'm just cutting out the front decorations and stuff, is either sewing fodder for experimenting, or donation for the printmaking studio/painting studio. (T-shirt material makes excellent rags for cleaning up oil paint and stuff). I felt a little bad about not donating these clothes to charity, but really, who wants an orthodontist's t-shirt, anyway? :P

Video Blog -- Hair = tehUberAwesome!

You know, cuz Zuko would totally be all over me with this hair. :P Better watch out, Cory. ;) Just kidding, of course. I <3 you!