I don't know what it is about me. It can't just be the fact that I'm in college that's attributing to this... but I'm a shut-in loser. It is true that friends come and go, but it shouldn't have to be like this... so many friends who are friends only when we're standing face to face, or when they need to borrow my internet/cable, or when they're having a party and want lots and lots of people to be there...
I really wish I had more friends that I was able to interact with on a normal level... where I could trust them, and they could trust me, and we could go hang out anywhere, and have a great time... but seriously, I have so few... the only ones I can spend time with liek that consistently is Cory and Jessica. I don't know if it's just after so much trying to establish that with people here and having it fall apart despite my best efforts... I don't know...
It's not like I'm not nice, right? I try really hard to be nice. I keep other peoples best interests at heart. Last night, Eric asked if anyone wanted to accompany him to his car so he could move it and avoid a fine/towing for being there two hours. After no one spoke up a moment, Chelsea finally did, which prompted me to, because she was the one person I felt shouldn't go. She was in peeptoe heels, and it was snowing outside. She was bitching the entire walk to the bar about it. But then everyone just basically tells me to shut up and let her go, because she wanted a goodbye kiss from Eric (which I kinda doubt happened). I just felt like a fool and a loser, that though I was actually looking out for Chelsea, apparently, I WASN'T, and I felt like I was thus labelled the "One In Chelsea's Way" the entire night. She didn't talk to me. Didn't look at me. She may not have before that either.
Let me just say, I've been friends with Eric a HELL of a lot longer than she has, and not gonna lie, I'm going to fucking miss that bastard when we part ways, particularly because, well, in my experience, after we part ways, I will never hear from him again.
That's just how it goes for me. I meet people. They think I'm fun. They say we should hang out. We don't. I'm forgotten when parties happen (seriously, I've had a friend come up and go "Where were you Saturday night??" "What do you mean?" "My party!! Why didn't you come?" "Um... because I wasn't on the guest list?" "...you weren't?" "No. I looked at it on facebook. I wasn't. I would've come. Sounded like fun. But I wasn't invited." "Oh... whoops..." (real conversation between Meaghan W. and myself).
And just... everyone... so many "friends" that were really just acquaintances... those people who are nice to you when you bump into them at Walmart, the people who you can talk to freely while in class together... but they have their own friends... people to hang out with and watch movies... etc...
And, I don't. I have Cory. I thought I would have Alyssa, but we butt heads more than not... I tried with Chris and she had kept leaving me out to dry, even forgetting my own birthday while spending hours on others (on way more than one occaision, and this includes other people in on it as well). There was Maggie, who left me hanging at my game night, makeing us all sit around for two hours while I was assuring my other friends she would be there... making me feel like an idiot... Nicole and spanish class... Kat and art class...
Everyone is like "Well, if you want to hang out, you should call."
But when you have no preference for who to hang out with, because you don't know anyone well enough to choose them over another... I mean, what, am I supposed to call up 25 different people and see if they're available?
I wish there was someone who would look at me and think "Hey, she's a really awesome person. She's a nerd, and she's super shy, but she has thoughts in her head and feelings in her heart and she cares about others more than herself. She could be a loyal and dependable friend. I should hang out with her."
But no one ever does.
I don't know if I seem cold, or prudish, or distant... maybe I do... but I care, I really do.
Here's an example:
Tonight, I see a facebook status message from my ex-boyfriend's sister that she hasn't been able to contact him and she has been worried and wondered if anyone had seen him. I don't want to have anything to do with him, at all. He makes me feel horrible, the vestiges of a really unhealthy almost obsessive relationship on my end. But I felt compelled to do something. I even called her house, even though I can't stand calling anyone, with the intent to ask if they were concerned enough for me to call campus police (which I would have done).
Tell me, which one of you fuckers would've done anything like that???
I will be there for people. I try to be. When one of my friends was terrified she was pregnant, I fucking ditched an essay to sit with her and comfort her. And she cast me aside like everyone else. What the fuck does that say? Do I just have no taste in friends? Or do people see me as expendable? Replaceable? There are other people in the world, right?
Well, you know what, fuckers? I'm not irreplaceable. I am a fucking human being, and
you'd see how truly awesome I am if you actually sat down with me and let me finish a sentence. I try to tell stories of my own life, but your life is more interesting apparently - and I'm much more willing to listen to you than to have you listen to me, because I am a polite person and I know how much it SUCKS to be ignored.
But you all have your friends. And I'm not one of them. Not one you'd invite to hang out with on a boring Saturday night. Not one you'd turn to if you thought you were pregnant. You have your best friends for that. I don't. I have issues and problems of my own, but who the fuck do I have to turn to? If Cory and I broke up, I would be alone in this world. No one has proved to me otherwise. Alyssa is so damn absorbed in her own self that if I speak up to ask what's wrong when she's upset, does she turn to me? No, she bites my head off, demand I leave her alone (which I do), and makes me feel like shit. I never do that. Ever. And yeah, that's actually one of my downfalls, not being stern with people, but there's a time and a place for it fuckers and let me tell you one of the last things I will ever do is take it out on someone when I'm having a rough day. Except maybe on the internet XD
I'm just sick and tired of feeling invisible and replaceable.