Saturday, April 04, 2009


April is always really depressing for me now.

It used to always be one of my most favorite months - next to December (cuz seriously, how can you top Christmas and winter break??). I always loved it because, like December, it was a holiday time for me. My entire family had birthdays in April, which was horribly convenient - like a second Christmas, only spanned out a couple different days. My brother and I, growing up, would often have joint birthday parties, get to open presents the same day, etc, etc. And then, it was just easy for us, later on, to shop for everyone at once.

Well, now I'm out of the house, and April is just another month to everyone else.

I've talked about this time and time again, because it still really, really hurts. Seeing so many people here at college with amazing friends who would go to the ends of the earth and back for one another, putting on insanely complex surprise parties, decorating doors with hundreds upon hundreds of individually-kissed post-it notes... Last year, I did every last bit of my birthday myself - I was even going to have to be the one to pick up pizzas, and I bought my own cake. Should have just invited stuffed animals and my own presents, and the transformation into Megan-sucks would be complete. And I feel awful, because I should feel happy to have the three or four friends I had that showed up without having to be reminded... but I just feel lousy... seriously... I wish I could explain what happened freshman year to make me so depressed on my birthday, but honestly, I can't. Not in full. No one remembered (one did, but it wasn't too terribly helpful...), and no one cared. I posted on Facebook complaining about how everyone does everything for everyone else, and everyone was like "Oh, you're such a drama queen." Yeah. Drama queen. FUCK YOU! So I watched Sixteen Candles three times. And then that other stuff I can't talk about. Haven't even been able to talk to a shrink about it. Cory is the only one who knows apart from me. Anyone who knows me well enough, though, could probably figure it out with careful consideration.

I made an appointment to see my old shrink - it's been two years... - but it wont be til after my birthday. Hooray for lots of panic attacks til then... :(

Fuck. My. Life.

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