Some notes about my new blog

Just some things I'd like to clear up about my blog, even though no one's asking :P

1) Blog Title

This blog's title is roughly based on the song "No Such Thing" by John Mayer (whose remains I'd love to buy). Mainly, the opening lines.

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white"

I was totally going to embed a music player playing that song, until I realized that it's really hard to listen to lyric-filled music and read a blog at the same time.

The "check please" idea was just off the top of my head, thinking, okay, I sat here, I ordered, and the waiter presents with the "Real World..." and I just say "check please," because I think I'd rather have it from another restaraunt... something angsty but silly, very me...

2) Background picture

I've had this picture forever and have used it many times during this forever, as both blog and website background, and desktop background. I think I just came across it one day looking for background pictures for one layout or another, and I came across it in my photobucket while wondering what to do for my new blog, and remembered how much I loved it. The reaching for just the right key... I just kinda connect with this picture, you know?

3) Basic Layout Structure in relationship to Background Picture

I don't know if the layout translates to everyone - the internet is such a fickle thing - but I actually had a very clear idea of what I wanted to do with everything else once I had that background. I wanted to be able to SEE the background, but still be able to read the journal, hence the slight transparency of the columns. I also wanted to focus on the little guy reaching for the key, so I made it so that the columns were on either side of him. Then, I realized that I could make the righthand column big enough that, as it scrolls up (or you scroll down), it would completely glide over the key the little guy was reaching for, taking it away from him. It's a kind of visual metaphor that life (symbolized by my posts about life) sometimes gets in the way of what you want (the key). I thought it was pretty and poetic. SHUT UP!

4) Twitter?

Hey, if it's good enough for Jeph Jacques....

5) Also, Facebook

I am no longer importing this blog to Facebook. It relieves alot of the pressure, really. I just hope that if anyone from there comes here, they'll let me know.

Growing Up

So, I did this huge crusade to create the perfect blog, so I could write this particular blog post.

It's occurred to me that I've changed... or, that I'm growing up. I'm not the same girl I was back in high school, where so much of my time and energy was expended on fantasy worlds, internet worlds, etc. I spent hours writing fanfics or drawing fanart, or daydreaming fandreams, and I spent so much time in blogs creating layouts for them, writing silly entries, doing countless quizilla quizzes and posting the results, doing my harry potter club and nerdiness, etc.

That was who I was. Senior year, it all kinda changed as all my energies poured into a doomed-to-fail relationship, and school. (gag on both). It sorta all completely overturned my life. By the time I got to college, I really had no clue who I was anymore. I wasn't obsessed about things like I always had been. I couldn't be funny like I used to, or grip thoughts like I once could, or any of that. I didn't know who I was, so it's no surprise I didn't make good friends easily - I'm sure none of them really knew who I was either... probably just a bitch who complained alot and hated herself...

I've noticed alot more changes lately. I can't stand the music I used to love. I'm so sick of it. It's probably just being overexposed to it, you know? So I'm trying to find new stuff. Thank GOD for the internet. I'm sick of all the movies I used to watch over and over and over again - again, most likely overexposure. So I started up Netflix. Furthermore, I've grown sick of the clothes that I used to always wear. I can't wear t-shirts AT ALL anymore - can't stand em. (if it's a really light fabric, I can deal, and if it's a girl-style t-shirt, I'm good). I've also gotten sick of jeans. I've been watching What Not To Wear, and if it wasn't for the fact I've only got maybe 200 bucks in the bank right now, I'd totally go on a shopping spree, because I want new clothes. A new wardrobe would rock. And speaking of tv shows, I'm sick of the tv I used to watch. I suppose you could only call that growing up, because for a good 15 years of my life, Nickelodeon was my channel of choice. But now I can't even stand watching Spongebob (although I can still watch Fairly OddParents from time to time...). So I rarely watch any tv now. Just TLC, for the most part. Jon and Kate plus 8 (which I've already seen every episode of), and random other educational shows. I think I need to get into more adult shows, like House! I love House. I need to watch it more. Maybe I should try Scrubs too....

So, yeah. I'm changing. I'm growing up. And I thought that as I got sick of all these things that made up who I thought I was, I'd get even more depressed, but actually, lately, I've been feeling pretty good about myself. The other night, I spent a good couple hours watching youtube videos on hairstyles and make-up and stuff, and now I'm so excited about having long hair. I've been wearing camisoles like they're bulletproof material during a war, and I've been drooling over clothes and jewelery. I've also dropped a couple pounds, which makes me feel great, even if I still weigh more than I did at the end of high school.

Just in all, I want to be a better me. And I hope I'm on my way to it...

Working Out

Not as in "I'm working out my problems." Pshawr, like that'll ever happen (I know, I'm SUCH a drama queen. Adore me! *pouty face* :P j/k)

Nah, I'm TRYING to actually WORK OUT, as in, physical, manual, painful labor solely for the purpose of healthiness.

My mom and the family joined the Tucson JCC (Jewish Community Center, lol!), and I actually rather like their gym. They have everything that the NAU Rec Center has, and then some. (Including seriously wicked old NAKED ladies in the locker room.... *twitch*naked old people!*twitch*) I really like their treadmills, which is one of the things the Rec Center does not have. Well, I kinda liked the treadmills. I was all like "SQUEE! Walking machine!" and pushed all sorts of buttons when I first started, and then as I walked/jogged a bit, I realized just how much I SUCK at jogging/running. Also, I discovered that my shoes are not good running shoes. They're too big. I've had them for like two years plus, and never noticed how big they were. Soooo... my feet hurt. Like they were JUST about to blister.

After I walked and kinda jogged over a mile (over several different sessions, since I was testing out the different machine settings, and switched machines once), I decided to go on the rowing machine, and rowed 2000meters. That was fun....

I hope one day I could do a 5K (3.1miles). That'd be awesome. A great goal....

Bummer Summer

I know the title is lame. Sorry.

So, my summer has, overall, sucked royally.

I came down to Tucson hoping to find a job and unwind a little, get some projects done, etc.

Concerning my job search:
May 13th, the week after school ended, I had a nerve-wracking interview at Build-A-Bear. They didn't call me back until June 2nd to tell me they didn't have a position for me, but they'd be sure to "keep my application available just in case."
May 20th, a week after my Build-A-Bear interview, I had an interview at Toys R Us. The reason I never called Build-A-Bear to try and lasso in that job was because it sounded like Toys R Us would be a done deal. The Sunday afterwards (May 25th), I got a call from the hiring lady, like she promised, to tell me "Oh, well, I didn't want you to feel like we forgot about you! Your background check hasn't come in just yet, but it should soon, so I'll call you either Monday or Tuesday and let you know when you can start orientation!" Well, almost 3 "Monday or Tuesday"s have passed since then. I called almost every day after that first Tuesday, but never got a hold of her. On Sunday, I was finally sent over to someone else at Toys R Us who explained to me that the hiring lady had some sort of family emergency, and wouldn't be back for at least another week.

Guess who's bank account is just about dead from over a month of unemployment?

Meanwhile, I am keeping myself busy by laying around on my bed, staring at my computer screen. Doing nothing. I don't want to photoshop. I would like to paint, or sew, or do something, but I know full well that my mom would come in and basically have a hissy fit that I'm making my room more messy (and I've even cleaned my room). It's only a matter of time before she and my dad start asking why I haven't applied to any other jobs. I really don't want to, after all the anxiety and panic attacks I've suffered with the last two job interview processes.

I'm also sitting around with my mind totally being ripped apart with confusion and anxiety concerning my relationships with pretty much everybody in my life... save maybe Jessica, who's just as awesome, possibly fifty times more awesome, of a friend as she was before, and Alyssa, whom I'm excited to be able to get to know next year, since we'll be roomies. But with everyone else, even family.... well, it's the usual bullshit you all hear from me, but it plagues me nonetheless. I just don't know how I feel about anyone anymore, and I have no clue how they truly, honestly, feel about me. I wonder why some people I consider friends don't wallpost me back when clearly they do to other people. They just care about them, I guess. I wonder whether or not people really care about me. Once again, summer is going by with everyone writing back and forth "How are you? How's your summer?" And I maybe get one or two of these, and I maybe feel compelled to write a few to people, but the conversation back and forth feels forced, and is very short-lived, if it even occurs at all. I know it's all me. I know I've driven people away with these stupid blog entries and my shyness and alcohol-abstinence, and my inability to ask people to hang out. I just don't feel worth anything anymore. Cory would say I was worthwhile to him. But after this last week, I no longer believe him.

I feel very alone. I have no one I can really, truly talk to. I talk to people, sure, but, it's always the same thing. It's never this sort of stuff. If you ever wonder why I spill all this out on my blogs, well, it's because I can't talk about this stuff in real life. Not unless it's asked of me.

And I've heard it before, people. "Oh, hun, I'm here if you need someone to talk to."

You know what I would prefer?

Someone to call me or beat down my door and fucking demand to be the one I talk to. Even if I don't manage to talk at all (because I usually can't verbalize these things - the effort of moving difficult problems through my windpipes makes me burst into tears, while typing problems out on a keyboard makes me only mildly tear up), it's nice to know there's someone who would willingly sacrifice their own time to me, as much of it as I need, not as much of it as you are able to give (which for the only person who has called me this summer, has been an average of 7 minutes) without me begging for it first. It's a sense of security I don't think I've ever truly experienced. The closest I've been is the time I lost my English binder (which, if I had not found, would have meant automatic failure in the class), and my next-door neighbor Rachel, who I barely knew at the time, stopped by with candy and a smile to make me feel better. And I did, and managed to find my binder. It's amazing what a random act of kindness can do. It just no longer ever seems to happen to me. Not even from those I consider closest to me....

I feel numb. I feel zapped of all strength and energy. At this point, I don't really care what happens, or whether or not things get better. I no longer expect a phone call from Toys R Us. I don't really care if anyone calls me anymore. I can't stand art or tv or movies anymore. I basically just want to disappear.

Lyrics...

I'm not able to fall asleep tonight. I have a lot going on inside my head. It's not fun.

There's this one song that's been stuck in my head for the past few days, and has particularly been strong tonight, especially one line in it in particular (which is in bold). I just thought I'd post it here.

It's Vanessa Carlton's "Rinse."

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
She needs to be held in his arms to be free
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him

And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
If only he was mine

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse him
She must rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way

I guess I just feel very alone and left behind right now. Extremely. But I doubt it will change anytime soon.

Job Update and Summer Plans

So, the past couple days I was having a crisis/panic attack about summer.

I had my job interview with Build-A-Bear, and was a total and complete nervous wreck during the whole thing. I didn't know if I had the job at the end, and found out that I wouldn't know for at least another week and a half, which totally chewed me up inside. I'm probably going to call this weekend to find out...

So with this uncertainty about Build-A-Bear, I was just like, crap, if I don't get a job, this summer will definitely suck, plus my parents were all over me about "Apply anywhere and everywhere! Have some initiative! Blah blah blah!" and it's hard enough with my social phobia to apply to one job, the thought of having to figure out other places, getting applications, turning them in, interviewing, all that, was just a bit of an overload. So on top of that stuff, being stuck at home was already starting to drive me nuts, I just didn't know what to do with myself. I started thinking about Flagstaff and how much I could get accomplished over the summer if I had stayed there - two art classes, Peter Piper, plus I would get to see Cory, who I miss terribly, plus hang out and have fun without my mother or little brother hounding me about stuff.

Well, I had an interview with Toys R Us today, and I appear to have gotten that job so hard that the lady barely asked me any questions. She was like "I need summer people." So it was like I got hired before I got there :P It was a fun interview, full of Legos and talking to the other interviewees, one of whom I really got talkin to, oddly enough, while we were sitting in the break room, watching Curious George while we waited for our one-on-one interview. The job sounds like loads of fun, the people seem nice, and it'll keep me out of the house, so I guess I'm staying down here. If Build-A-Bear wants me, I'll see if I can have BOTH jobs (how cool would that be??). Or maybe I'll apply still to In-N-Out and get that $10 salary they boast about.

But now I've been trying to think up other things to get accomplished down here so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time (Being a perfectionist type A personality really sucks). So, here begins my To-Do List

~ Make money! :) Well, this will happen now.
~ Take an art class at either the The Drawing Studio or Parks & Rec, for fun, for once.
~ Go to open studio at The Drawing Studio
~ Volunteer some at The Drawing Studio's teen program
~ Get CPR certified!! :)
~ Hang out TONS with Jessica and Sarah and peoples!
~ Work out at the JCC twice a week (my family are members of the Jewish Community Center. How weird is that? :P Mom gets a discount cuz she works at the Jewish nursing home in town)
~ Spend time outside with Donald knocking some items off that other list of little kid things I wanna do.
~ Visit Cory at some point :)
~ Do loads of artwork, including finishing this crazy ink drawing I've been working on, and an oil painting of Donald
~ Figure out my plan for grad school (as in, what classes do I need to take when, how soon can I graduate, etc)
~ Eat lots and lots of SUSHI!!! :D
~ Learn to cook some
~ Read some books, including some on financial stuff that I'd like to borrow from Sean....

I have a feeling I'm missin something... ah well :)

School's (almost) out for Summer! :P Or, how I went to Vegas

This is quite a long-overdue post.

First off -- I AM SO EFFING DONE WITH THAT EFFING PRINTMAKING CLASS!!!

The last inked project wasn't all that frustrating (except for when the block/paper kept moving a quarter of an inch in one direction or another, screwing up margins and causing smears, but I kinda sorta fixed that, or at least made it consistent....), and it turned out really good. That particular evening was enjoyable as well, because right as I finished with printing, Chris, Jasmin and I had sushi, and simultaneously, Cory, Mel and Meaghan showed up with ice cream from 31 cent scoop night! Later, I had thai food with a ton of people from Cory's work. That was... interesting :P The next afternoon I spent working on my embossment print, which I did in an effing HOUR! :D Amaaaazingg! So that was pretty awesome.

And then I decided I needed to take a vacation.

VIVA LAS VEGAS!!

Chris needed to hit Vegas to take her old roommate's tv back to her old roommate's house, but didn't want to go alone. So I decided to take up her offer and go with her. Ooooh man, it was so fun! (And Meaghan was right -- Phoenix is oddly reminiscent of Vegas, just without the casinos and prostitutes) We tried Julie's house first, but no one was home, so we left a note and drove around the strip awhile. Then we got a call and headed back to Julie's, dropped the tv off, and hit the strip for real before heading home. We ate at an expensive Chinese place in the Mandalay Bay hotel (where we parked for free, hells yes). My food was hella spicy and it took me much strength to finish as much as I could, but their pork dumplings were exquisite, and I had some of Chris's coconut ice cream and that fixed the burning. Then we walked down the strip, hit the New York-New York hotel, where I just HAD to ride the roller coaster (OH MAN! SO MUCH FUN!! :D I'm working my way slowly up the roller coaster thrill chain. I want to go to Six Flags soooo badly now). We then walked a looong way to the Bellagio, and saw probably THE most amazing thing I've ever seenthe Bellagio light show. It blew my mind. I swear to God (but cannot find online proof, and sadly, if it's not on wikipedia, it doesn't exist) that the finale of the show had jets of water which shot up faster than the speed of sound, because I saw the fountains already at maximum height (of 250 feet, according to internet) before I heard the shot it caused. After that, we ran into some shops (there's a BUILD-A-BEAR on the strip! :P) and I oggled at the strippers in some of the bars we passed (I fully admit it - they were hot.) It took us forever to get back to the car, and FOREVER to get out of Las Vegas - Chris and I were both horribly tired and cranky by the time we left Mandalay Bay, and we kept going in circles and taking wrong turns and not looking at the map and taking more wrong turns and in the end I kinda had a bit of a meltdown because I knew I had work, and the idea of getting back to Flag at 4:30am was a little too much for me, especially because I really wanted to drive and give poor Chris a break. But despite that meltdown, it was totally the most awesome trip ever. My first interstate roadtrip with people unrelated to me! (And not part of school group, like when I went to Europe).

Tomorrow is my last day at Peter Piper before summer break. I hadn't been enjoying it recently, probably just because I've been so stressed overall, but except for another meltdown I had yesterday when I neglected to get appetizers taken care of when one of our printers went down (soooo many customers got their appetizers a good 15 minutes after their pizzas, and one woman had waited over 40 minutes for an appetizer that takes 3 minutes to cook - but which I screwed up 3 times making. That's when the meltdown happened). Today was just hella fun. I did make table pretty much the whole time, which is a bit different for me, and I did pretty well at it. I only needed help when a couple birthday orders tied me up.

My room worries me, of course. I'm going to work very hard packing it up as soon as possible. I already have a bunch of boxes going, clothes separated into either my plastic dresser (winter stuff), my laundry basket (going home) or a plastic bag (Goodwill), piles of stuff either going home with me or going into my storage locker, etc. I'm leaving Friday, staying as late as possible so it's all gone and cleaned.

Erm, very little else to report. Oh, I suppose I can mention that Cory is amazing, and I'm glad he got his VC251 assignment done. I love him and will miss him, and everyone, very much during the summer. I'll also especially miss Chris for the rest of my life, since she's not coming back next year.

Hope everyone has a watermelon-blasted summer!!! See you all in the fall!