Sunday, June 08, 2008

Bummer Summer

I know the title is lame. Sorry.

So, my summer has, overall, sucked royally.

I came down to Tucson hoping to find a job and unwind a little, get some projects done, etc.

Concerning my job search:
May 13th, the week after school ended, I had a nerve-wracking interview at Build-A-Bear. They didn't call me back until June 2nd to tell me they didn't have a position for me, but they'd be sure to "keep my application available just in case."
May 20th, a week after my Build-A-Bear interview, I had an interview at Toys R Us. The reason I never called Build-A-Bear to try and lasso in that job was because it sounded like Toys R Us would be a done deal. The Sunday afterwards (May 25th), I got a call from the hiring lady, like she promised, to tell me "Oh, well, I didn't want you to feel like we forgot about you! Your background check hasn't come in just yet, but it should soon, so I'll call you either Monday or Tuesday and let you know when you can start orientation!" Well, almost 3 "Monday or Tuesday"s have passed since then. I called almost every day after that first Tuesday, but never got a hold of her. On Sunday, I was finally sent over to someone else at Toys R Us who explained to me that the hiring lady had some sort of family emergency, and wouldn't be back for at least another week.

Guess who's bank account is just about dead from over a month of unemployment?

Meanwhile, I am keeping myself busy by laying around on my bed, staring at my computer screen. Doing nothing. I don't want to photoshop. I would like to paint, or sew, or do something, but I know full well that my mom would come in and basically have a hissy fit that I'm making my room more messy (and I've even cleaned my room). It's only a matter of time before she and my dad start asking why I haven't applied to any other jobs. I really don't want to, after all the anxiety and panic attacks I've suffered with the last two job interview processes.

I'm also sitting around with my mind totally being ripped apart with confusion and anxiety concerning my relationships with pretty much everybody in my life... save maybe Jessica, who's just as awesome, possibly fifty times more awesome, of a friend as she was before, and Alyssa, whom I'm excited to be able to get to know next year, since we'll be roomies. But with everyone else, even family.... well, it's the usual bullshit you all hear from me, but it plagues me nonetheless. I just don't know how I feel about anyone anymore, and I have no clue how they truly, honestly, feel about me. I wonder why some people I consider friends don't wallpost me back when clearly they do to other people. They just care about them, I guess. I wonder whether or not people really care about me. Once again, summer is going by with everyone writing back and forth "How are you? How's your summer?" And I maybe get one or two of these, and I maybe feel compelled to write a few to people, but the conversation back and forth feels forced, and is very short-lived, if it even occurs at all. I know it's all me. I know I've driven people away with these stupid blog entries and my shyness and alcohol-abstinence, and my inability to ask people to hang out. I just don't feel worth anything anymore. Cory would say I was worthwhile to him. But after this last week, I no longer believe him.

I feel very alone. I have no one I can really, truly talk to. I talk to people, sure, but, it's always the same thing. It's never this sort of stuff. If you ever wonder why I spill all this out on my blogs, well, it's because I can't talk about this stuff in real life. Not unless it's asked of me.

And I've heard it before, people. "Oh, hun, I'm here if you need someone to talk to."

You know what I would prefer?

Someone to call me or beat down my door and fucking demand to be the one I talk to. Even if I don't manage to talk at all (because I usually can't verbalize these things - the effort of moving difficult problems through my windpipes makes me burst into tears, while typing problems out on a keyboard makes me only mildly tear up), it's nice to know there's someone who would willingly sacrifice their own time to me, as much of it as I need, not as much of it as you are able to give (which for the only person who has called me this summer, has been an average of 7 minutes) without me begging for it first. It's a sense of security I don't think I've ever truly experienced. The closest I've been is the time I lost my English binder (which, if I had not found, would have meant automatic failure in the class), and my next-door neighbor Rachel, who I barely knew at the time, stopped by with candy and a smile to make me feel better. And I did, and managed to find my binder. It's amazing what a random act of kindness can do. It just no longer ever seems to happen to me. Not even from those I consider closest to me....

I feel numb. I feel zapped of all strength and energy. At this point, I don't really care what happens, or whether or not things get better. I no longer expect a phone call from Toys R Us. I don't really care if anyone calls me anymore. I can't stand art or tv or movies anymore. I basically just want to disappear.

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