Being back in Tucson has been nice to a point. I don't feel the completely overwhelming aloneness that I felt back at school, but there's still alot of aloneness going on.
First, there's the fact that I'm living in a house that is very not-geek-friendly, where my mom will walk into my room, see me on the computer, and automatically assume I've been on there ALL DAY and yell at me for it, even and especially if I've actually done other things the entire day and finally decided to sit down and check twitter for the first time, or if I'd done something productive on it, like spend 5 hours working on a photoshop drawing. The idea of computers being anything other than a waste of time is foreign to her, and my step-dad, even though both of them use computers at work.
I have been hanging out with some friends on a pretty regular schedule (Hi Jessica!), and admittedly, that has been overwhelming a little. I'm not used to being able to see friends on a regular basis (minus any classes with friends, because those I never considered voluntary hanging out-ness). Regardless, it has been awesome. Definitely about 150% better than my friendships at school.
Yet, I still sit back and think about other people in the world, those that have more than two friends, you know? I think of the people I see at conventions, who have friends who will actively, willingly and eagerly dress up with them, hang out with them, see alot of the same panels and people and things. Friends who have so much in common and do so much together. After being snubbed so much by my other friends, having my viewpoints and interests ignored or demeaned, it makes me wonder if I could ever have friends like that, ever. People to play D&D with. People to squeal about comics with. People who just get me. I wonder if there will be a day where I can invite 10 people to my house for a get-together and have more than 4 people actually show up. I wonder if I'll ever connect with IRL people the way I have connected with internet people (specifically internet people like Wil Wheaton. Seriously, I think if we ever could be friends, we would get along absolutely famously). I wonder if I'll ever find friends who have so much in common with me that we never bore each other, ever. I will never have to bore them about my geekery, about my love of animation, about D&D and cosplaying and anime and everything. They'll never have to bore me with their goddamn fracking screenplay or goddamn fracking Lady Gaga mania or goddamn fracking computer stuff.
I understand everyone is different, but I wish I didn't always have to feel SO different.... I wish I didn't have to go to conventions with perfect strangers, but rather with close friends. I wish I could find my true niche, my true place in the world, socially, spiritually, professionally, everything. I know I'm only 22, but it seems like everyone has all of this shit better put together than I do.