Friday, June 25, 2010

Mario Marathon and Video Games

At the moment, I am watching the Super Mario Marathon 3.

Basically, a group of geeks have come together to play and broadcast on ustream absolutely every Mario Bros. game for the Child's Play charity, a charity looking to get fun things for children's hospitals, so kids who are sick can still just be kids. People donate, and as the total amount increases, more and more levels get unlocked. So they basically play until they either run out of levels or run out of donations.

And I love it.

I mean, I love the basic humanitarian premise of the whole operation, for sure. If I didn't only have a few hundred dollars to my unemployed name, I would donate (and when they do this next year, I definitely will). But that's not the main reason why I love it. Even the fact that Wil Wheaton skyped in and Felicia Day showed up in the chat are not reasons why I really like it.

I just love watching them play.

I don't remember a time where a Nintendo console didn't live in our house. One of my earliest memories was sitting at my Nana's house at the age of four, during the period between when Mommy and Daddy loved each other and when Mommy and Daddy still loved each other but not enough to be husband and wife. We would spend every other weekend or so with my dad while he stayed at my Nana's. In one of the rooms, he had set up a tv, and hooked up to it, an original Nintendo Entertainment System. I would watch my dad and brother play as often as I could, witnessing them play Duck Hunt, Mario, and other games with titles I can't possibly remember, but I do distinctly remember fleeting screenshots of airplanes on a flat green screen, and pictures on the cartridges that my dad and brother would carefully blow into before attempting to play. I remember sitting and looking through all the games, being fascinated by the fact that not just was this on tv, but they were able to make the things on the tv move, with just some buttons on a remote.

I think I actually remember one of the first times I was allowed to play it. I remember how proud I was. I remember holding that square controller, sitting on the floor of that bedroom of my nana's house, in nothing but my underwear the way little kids tend to be at the age of four. I remember just how proud that I was playing a video game, like my big brother and my dad. It was like a rite of passage.

Let's get something very clear right off the bat -- I am a girl, and an incredibly clumsy one at that. My hand-eye coordination probably didn't really fully mature until I was maybe in middle school, so for the first 10+ years of my life, though I really loved video games, I really didn't enjoy playing alot of the games. There were some I loved - Donkey Kong Country 1 & 2, especially - but for the most part, I never liked playing video games, because I would always hit one frustrating point where I had trouble progressing on, and had very little patience to stick it out until I could.

So I tended to just sit around and watch my older brother play.

Growing up, my big brother never seemed all that interested in my existence. Sean's two years older than me, and has always been so incredibly cool, whereas I have always been just a whiny little dork of a baby sister. You know, the kind of sister that Shel Silverstein says is only worth a quarter or best offer. I wasn't cool, like he was. Since we were so different, and he was so indifferent, we never did much more than fight, tease, or ignore one another. But like most younger siblings, I always kinda wanted to be around him. I was interested in the things he liked, although I don't know if it was because I genuinely liked them too, or if it was just because he liked them, and I wasn't allowed to. (I did really like legos, but my mom was big on "gender roles," so I got the girly town legos, and I was forbidden to ever touch his castles and pirate ships and old west sets... when he could catch me...)

Another thing about Sean.

He was amazing at video games.

At least by my standards.

And I loved watching him play these video games. I loved watching him defeat levels and bosses. I loved seeing him tackle a new challenge. I was proud of him. I looked up to him, and I secretly wondered if I would ever be as cool, and good at video games, as him.

A few years after the NES introduction, when I was maybe six years old, my mother took us to visit our aunt and uncle in the mountains of New Mexico. They lived in this fantastic house on top of a hill, a house with stairs, and a basement, and trees all around. (Do you know how alien these concepts are to a kid from Arizona?). I only have a handful memories from the entire vacation - riding on a quad runner with my cousin Joe, getting rug burns on my stomach from sliding down the carpeted stairs so many times, and my older brother falling over a cliff on my cousin's bike, ending up in the emergency room.

Remember how I mentioned the house was on a hill? Well, my older brother made the wise decision to try out one of my cousin's bikes (and my cousin has a good five years on him). He ended up losing control of the bicycle, barreling down the hill not knowing how to stop. Somehow he managed not to hit any trees or skid and beef it on pine needles the whole way down, but waiting for him at the bottom of the hill was a dropoff where the hill had been carved away to make room for the road that led up to my aunt's house.

I wasn't around when it happened, so I was a little confused when I found myself sitting on the front porch swing with my cousin Joe, everyone running around very seriously. I could hear Sean crying inside the house, and I was really concerned, as a little girl who looks up to her big brother would be. Joe was supposed to keep me occupied and entertained so that they could take care of Sean in the living room, but somehow, probably through much begging, nagging and using my innocent child charm, he let me go inside.

All I remember was the way my brother cried, and the color of blood. Along with other injuries, his chin was cut open badly, and so was his hand, and red was smeared on his shirt and on the washcloths my mom was using to clean his injuries. I had never seen so much blood before in my young life. I genuinely thought my big brother was going to die, and I burst into sobs as Joe tried to pull me back out of the room again, the adults probably rightfully mad that he gave in and let me in to begin with.

"B-but...!" I wailed in mourning, the sound of an approaching ambulance in the distance, "He was suh-so good at N-nintendo!"

For years after that, I'd always kinda smirked at myself at the memory of that, thinking "Gee, all I cared about was that my brother could play Nintendo." When I got older, I realized that what I was actually thinking was "If my brother were to go away, I would miss watching him play Nintendo."

Five or six years ago, he moved out for college.

I really miss watching him play Nintendo.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Jonel Cares

I am very big on naming things that are dear to me. For example, cars, laptops, teddy bears.

J.C., or Jonel Cares, is the name of my viola.

I got my viola when I was in 8th grade, since in 8th grade, I made the complete decision that I wanted to be an orchestra teacher. (We all know how that went). My dad was awesome and invested the money into it, though I only ended up actively playing it only two more years after that, neither of them consecutive.

The main reason why I wanted to be an orchestra teacher was because of my orchestra teacher. I had a wonderful teacher. Ms. Slack. Imagine Reese Witherspoon with less of a chin, dark hair, and occasionally wearing a Dave Matthews Band t-shirt. That was Ms. Slack. She came to our orchestra when I was in seventh grade, following on the tail end of Mrs. Edwards long and now retiring career. Mrs. Edwards took her self-written beginners books and teaching methods away with her, and we found ourselves with a completely different way of teaching. It was so foreign to many students that they immediately hated her, but I loved Ms Slack right at the start. She was so jubilant, so full of ideas and vivacity and idealism, like all new teachers are. She encouraged us all, challenged us, let us learn "gig" pieces and wanted to take us on tour and on field trips. And she had originally been a violist, like me, and I thought that was awesome.

At one point during the two years I had her, she decided to have us all write essays for an orchestra magazine none of us had ever heard of, about how music has influenced us. I wrote up something sweet, something I knew the magazine would like, in hopes of winning, and I said I really wanted to be an orchestra teacher. Writing this essay was the first time I remember wanting to. Miss Slack read it, and was absolutely ecstatic about it. I thought it was amazing how much she believed in me, so much that I believed in myself, and I decided, yeah, that's what I wanted to do.

So she took me under her wing.

Despite the fact she was poorly paid and overworked, she offered to private tutor me one day a week after school, as long as I stayed after another day to help her organize the incredible mess of filing cabinets the last teacher left behind. She encouraged me to try out for regionals, even though I didn't think I could do it. I almost didn't, but I ended up trying out last-minute, sight-reading the songs I needed to do, and I got in. She tutored me even during the summer months, and even drove me to the summer arts thing I was a student in (and she was a teacher in) afterward. She once bought me a sandwich from Baggins, a wonderful shop here in town, and I loved it, even though it had weird foods on it.

But it wasn't just all that that was amazing.

8th grade.... was an awful year for me.

After years of being underwhelmed and bored in "normal" education classes, I had finally managed to pass the test and get into the "gifted" classes.... and ended up a total and complete outcast. I wasn't skinny and pretty. I wasn't rich and fashionable. It had taken me until 8th grade to get in, and this meant that I was "stupid" (when in all actuality, I had only taken the test twice before that -- if I'd done it yearly, I probably would've gotten in sooner). Some of my classmates wouldn't even let me cast out ideas or share my papers in our essay groups, because they immediately discounted everything I did or said. We once had to come up with our own bill for congress to pass, and I said I thought it should be required for students to take music classes. They shut me up before I had explained the second bullet point of proof. They chose the marijuana legislation instead...

My best friend left me out of jealousy. She hated that I'd gotten into the GATE program and she hadn't. Anytime I brought it up, she (and her grandmother) thought I was rubbing it in her face. I would ask Aidan if she would be going on the field trip I was going on, because when I had been in part-time like she currently was, I had. It turned out she wasn't going on the field trip, and it apparently sounded like I was being conniving and smug about it. In all reality, I just wanted a friend to sit with.

When Aidan left, she took all of my friends with her.

So I was alone.

I was alone in my classes. I was alone outside my classes.

But I had Miss Slack, and that was pretty awesome.

Honestly, if Miss Slack hadn't done what she did for me, I may not have lived passed my 14th birthday. 8th grade triggered my first serious bout of depression, but it wasn't so bad when she was around, encouraging me and thinking the world of me. I even made a place in my room that I could sit and hide from everyone, with some papers on the wall reminding me of her, and reminding me that at least someone cared.

I just felt the side of my desk where those were. There's still some crispy corners of tape from where it all used to be. I wonder what I did with all that.

Because she had been so wonderful to me, I decided that I would name my viola after her. She helped me pick it out, after all.

Her first name was Jonel, so I named it something that I needed to remember when I felt down -- Jonel Cares.

Why am I talking about all of this now?

I was going through one of my dresser drawers tonight, on the side that had long been considered the "junk" side, where I would always shove anything I couldn't find a spot to while doing the dreaded chore of "cleaning my room." I found a notebook that I could recognize easily as being from either 8th or the beginning of 9th grade, by the angry scratches I had tore in the front cover with a mechanical pencil. I flipped through it, just kinda casually, and saw a spot where I had indented, like a quote. It jumped out at me, and I turned back to it.

"People who have given up are ruled by their darkest mistakes, worst failures, and deepest regrets. If you want to be successful, then be governed by your finest thoughts, your highest enthusiasm, your greatest optimism, and your most triumphant experiences. - John C. Maxwell."

My eyes welled up with tears as I read that, and I knew from the first two words why this was in my notebook.

It was a letter Miss Slack had given me, at the very end of 8th grade year, along with a Student of the Month award, only one of two I ever got my whole middle school career, both of them at the end of 8th grade (since in the dumb classes the teachers only ever reward the dumb kids who've suddenly shown promise, and in the smart classes the teachers only reward perfection). I have no idea where the original letter is now, which makes me incredibly sad, but I'm sure it had once graced the side of my desk where the empty tape now stands.

Fortunately, and amazingly, I had rewritten the entire letter, word for word, in my notebook.

I will try not to cry too much as I write it. (Although to be truthfully honest, I've been tearing up this whole time).

Dear Megan,

I want you to know that I am very proud of all your efforts and perseverance.

I also want you to know that I am aware that you have interests and pastimes that many of your peers think strange. Just remember that those interests and pastimes" (okay, I'm already crying) "help to make you the wonderful young woman you are! I know that you will always stay true to yourself, even when others mock, tease or try to harm you. That you have already experienced so much of that and remain true to your essence shows your incredible strength and fortitude." (I'd had to look this word up, because I wrote "strength" in parentheses next to it).

Remember to look for people who support you and like you for who you are. Surround yourself with successful people of integrity, and you will have lots of support.

You are a great example of living as the quote below tells us to live:

People who have given up are ruled by their darkest mistakes, worst failures, and deepest regrets. If you want to be successful, then be governed by your finest thoughts, your highest enthusiasm, your greatest optimism, and your most triumphant experiences. - John C. Maxwell.

I am so honored that you are my student.

Respectfully,
Ms. Slack

I'm sitting here now, just a little over 8 years since she initially wrote me this (wow, 8 years...), and I can't believe I let myself forget this wisdom. I remember reading these words over and over again in my miniature sanctuary, remember how I had even posted one of my Lord of the Rings tarot cards beside the letter (I believe it was the Wheel of Fortune card? It mentioned fortitude in the description).

And, to be honest, in high school, like I said, I think I really tried to follow this advice, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it.

I just wish I knew what happened after that.

All I know is, I'm going to retype this letter and post it somewhere where I can look at it all the time.

---

As a kind of postscript...

Every Monday of the first semester of 9th grade, I went to the middle school to be a tutor to some of Ms. Slack's beginner students. Since high school at that point was more of the same aloneness, even in my new upper-level orchestra, it was an absolute godsend that I was able to spend more time around her, and to teach kids like I thought I would years down the line.

Near the end of the semester, my dad was idling in the parking lot to pick me up, and Ms. Slack came out with me to greet him.

"So... what do you think of me going into pharmacy?" she asked my dad after her hello.

I just stood there completely numb, and I do believe that moment was the end of my dreams of being an orchestra teacher. It crushed me to know that she wanted to leave. To be fair, the job had really not been kind to her -- the administration sucked, and the students had been very cruel to her. But to hear that she did not want to do it anymore.... I felt betrayed. I really did.

The next semester our school changed their Monday schedule, so I was no longer able to tutor. I learned the next year that she had left, and coincidentally, that same year I had left orchestra (though it wasn't my fault - the schedulers put me in steel drums instead. I didn't argue).

Right before I went to NAU, I bumped into her at Barnes and Noble... working at Barnes and Noble. It was neat to see her, but I still felt that pang of sadness and betrayal.

But then... a couple more years later, I bumped into her at my little brother's elementary school.

Working at my little brother's elementary school. As an orchestra teacher.

Needless to say, I was ecstatic! I thought it would have been so cool for my little brother to have her in a couple years. Her named had changed because she'd gotten married, but she was just as wonderful as ever, with a great smile and a spark of equal parts mischief and wisdom in her eyes.

Unfortunately, Arizona has since decided that schools don't deserve as much funding, and the schools have decided that music is not worth their funding. Ms. Slack was cut from her position.

I don't know where she is now. I don't know if she's still teaching orchestra in this music-hating world, or if she had to do something else. I know she is on facebook, but it seems weird to add her after all these years....

All I know is, I am a better person because I knew her.

Never, ever, underestimate the power of a teacher who legitimately cares. They can turn lives around.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

w00tstock v2.4?

W00TSTOCK OR BUST!!!

w00tstock 2.4 is going to San Diego.

I live in Tucson, AZ.

That's a 409 mile drive, approximately six hours if I include stops and don't speed too much (which I guarantee I'm gonna try and be over 80mph as much as I can.... but not much over 80mph, because I'm a grandma like that)

According to the gas calculator I found, gas will be approximately $66.02 roundtrip.

The ticket to w00tstock is $30

I can get a parking permit to a lot not far from the venue in advanced. Price? $5 (amazing for downtown SD during CC, but that's likely because of the distance from the convention center)

If I bring as much food from home as I can (and granted I will probably be way too excited to eat anyways, just like at Phoenix Comicon), that will cut down food costs.

Sleep in the car that night someplace moderately safe (need to figure out where), and drive home the very next day.

Allow some money for food, drinks, and souvenirs -- I'd say $40 at the most for all that.

Now.

Subtract the $100 refund I'm getting from San Diego Comic-Con for the 4-day pass I wont be using.

That means it will really only cost me maybe $35 bucks, give or take, to do this.

Initially, I was hoping to do this with my college roommate Alyssa, but she has her make-up school routine ending at 4pm, and getting from Burbank to San Diego in 2.5 hours during rush hour is just not going to happen. When I learned this, I was pretty devastated. And initially, I admitted defeat. My social phobia and fear of downtown parking and the idea of telling my mom about it and worry about a job interfering just made it too overwhelming.

I went to bed feeling terrible.

While lying in bed, I felt this strange kinda tickling presence kinda behind one of my ribs.

And I just kinda decided....

I'm gonna buy a ticket. And I'm going to do my DAMN BLOODY HARDEST to do this. I want to. I want to SO BAD.

And, if it happens, there's a chance there will be autograph sessions.... which means I could not only say hi to Wil, but also meet ADAM SAVAGE, and Molly Lewis and Paul and Storm and oh my god that would be so cool

Friday, June 18, 2010

Why Twitter is SO EFFING RAD!!!

I. Love. Twitter.

It kicks the ass off facebook, and honestly if my only connection to the REAL world wasn't facebook (oh god that sounds terrible), I'd drop it completely and do Twitter only.

Why?

It's not even so much that I have friends on it, cuz I have relatively few IRL friends in comparison to the book of faces.

It's the celebrities. And the geeks. No, the geeky celebrities.

Yes, this is going to be a Wheaton-adjacent post.

Let me explain WHY Twitter is so amazing and intriguing to me.

w00tstock, the nerdiest of fests, is completely linked to Twitter. They decided, through twitter, to do a w00tstock in San Diego, and right now, as I type this *backs away and checks twitter really quick before resuming* they're announcing some of the guests that have been confirmed to be there.

Here's how it all went down.

Paul, of @paulandstorm (a geeky music duo), got onto Twitter today, just a few hours ago, with the following:

Paul and Storm paulandstorm [P] Hey, @wilw; do you think the kids might like to know some of our confirmed guests for #w00tstock SD?


Obviously, I had to speak up.

Megan Phillips melimsah @paulandstorm AUGH TELL US TELL US TELL US PLEEEEEASE TELL US PAUL OF PAULANDSTORM!!!!! #w00tstock


only minutes later, Paul tweets:

Paul and Storm paulandstorm [P] I'm not supposed to say who's coming to #w00tstock San Diego until @wilw says I'm allowed to.
And not long after that, Wil pulled out his twitter client....

Wil Wheaton wilw @paulandstorm As a matter of fact, I think they would. Let's make them wait an hour while we twirl our moustaches, though. *twirl*


Paul and Storm paulandstorm @wilw [P] You twirl your moustache; I shall wring my hands while grinning.


....ugh....huh... WHAT?!
No fricken way... they wouldn't...
But the minutes turned into tens of minutes...

THOSE FIENDS!!!

Obviously.... I was understandably upset.... so, for the next hour...

Megan Phillips melimsah @wilw WHEATOOOOOOOON!!!!!


(that was a BBT quote)

Megan Phillips melimsah @wilw ....you will perish in flames!
(Ghostbusters quote)

Megan Phillips melimsah @wilw @paulandstorm tell us or we will bludgeon you with ASCII dicks!!!
(reference to paulandstorm's reaction to something Wil said about them at PhxCC)

Then.

And after almost forty minutes of NOTHING:

Megan Phillips melimsah @wilw Why don't you just LOSE THE GAME for all I care?! Do you know how painful this is?! #w00tstock #tellus? #please? #now? #kthxbaifuck
(I know Wil plays "The Game," and by George I was determined to make him fail. Also, note the Guild hashtag)

After OVER an hour...

Wil Wheaton wilw Muhahahahaha ... *twirl* *twirl* *shifty eyes*

Paul and Storm paulandstorm [P] [grins] [continues to writhe hands]...

Paul and Storm paulandstorm [P] So, then, @wilw; shall I? Or would you like the honors?

Megan Phillips melimsah @paulandstorm SQUEAK?!?!?!?! *puts hands to mouth in total and complete antici......PATION*

Wil Wheaton wilw *cackle* *evil eyebrow arch* #w00tstock Comicon revelations will begin from me and @paulandstorm in just a few minutes. *fingersteeple*

Megan Phillips melimsah @wilw *FACEDESK!* *muffles obscenities into the woodgrain*

Paul and Storm paulandstorm [P] Time to announce the first round of confirmed guests for #w00tstock SDCC (with my pal @wilw)--ALL-TWITTER EDITION!

And this, is where it really starts getting fun!!

Sandeep Parikh sandeepparikh @wilw @paulandstorm i'm on the edge of my seat!

See? I'm not the only one! Zaboo was all into it too!!! And actually, I know THOUSANDS of people probably were, but I'm getting ahead of myself

They start naming people -- Molly Lewis (@Molly23), Chris Hardwick (@nerdist) and Jason Finn@Jasonfinn, who I'm not familiar with).

And here's what I'm doing while they slowly announce these:
Megan Phillips melimsah *refresh twitter* *refresh* *refresh* *refresh* *refresh* *refresh!* *REFRESH* *REFRESH!!!* #w00tstock #whosgonnabethere?!

After those first twitter mentions, Wil posts:

Wil Wheaton wilw More #w00tstock SDCC guest announcements coming in a moment. Hope at least some of you are currently quivering with antici...

(Rocky Horror Alert!!)

Megan Phillips melimsah @wilw PATION!!!!!!

Megan Phillips melimsah @wilw I'm about ready to fall out of my chair and pass out, I'm feeling so lightheaded as a result of the antici...pation #Imnotevenkidding

Bill Amend billamend @wilw Some of us refuse to succumb to your obvious reply bait. Oh fine...PATION!

Wil Wheaton wilw ...pation. I am delighted to announce that @MattFraction, who was AMAZING in Portland, will be joining us for #w00tstock SDCC. [:leg kick:]

(I have to confess I'm also unfamiliar with Matt)

They finish up calling out Len Peralta (@jawboneradio) and Marian Call (@mariancall).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, let me explain why this is awesome to me.

I @replied to them alot. I wasn't expecting any sort of reply nor really that they would read mine, because I'm sure they were getting THOUSANDS of tweets on the matter.

However.

It's like seeing a show live. It's happening - now - and you get to be in on it. You experience the same sort of intimacy that you feel when you're watching a band onstage as opposed to hearing their music on the radio. Your voice, even if it's not individually heard, is heard along with the masses. You cheer, and the band hears you. Maybe every so often, your high-pitched whistle will be recognizable over the roar of like-minded fans. It doesn't matter if they can pinpoint your scream over the roar of others -- it's being able to be a part of that crowd that is so fascinating to me. And I know from experience that these guys DO read their @replies. It's not like sending an email or fan letter and expecting it to be lost, thrown away, deleted as spam, etc. I know they see them. Again, maybe they wont see mine specifically, maybe it will have no effect, but it has an effect en masse with everyone else. I like being a part of the twitter audience.

I would go on to explain the other reasons I love twitter (like, and especially, @jephjacques and the twitter feeds of his webcomic characters), but I'll leave that for another time....

I really want to go to w00tstock. I dunno if Alyssa and I will be able to secure tickets, and if we do, I don't even know if I'll be able to go...

but I want this. I want this REALLY bad.....

wish us luck.

Think Geek

See what I did there? x3 Yes, this post will mention thinkgeek, the website, but also I'm referring to the fact that I'm trying to, you know, think...geek, as in reconnect with the geeky side of myself.

In high school, I was Geek. I was totally okay with my obsessiveness and nerdiness. I wore White Letters on Black T-shirts, along with shirts with Inuyasha or Zelda or Yoda or all these other things on them. T-shirts and boy pants. My backpack was decorated with patches and had so many pop-culture keychains on it that I would walk down the hallway and friends on the other end would know it was me approaching. I drew anime characters and comics during class, was very verbal about how many days remained until the release of the next Harry Potter book, I wore the One Ring around my neck and I doodled on my hands with jelly roll pens long after it was cool. I dressed up like Terra from Teen Titans one year for Halloween. I loved my teachers and always strove for the distinction as "teacher's pet." I found myself doing math problems for fun during the summer to keep myself from going crazy.

When I left high school and went to college, I found myself in a sea of remarkably ungeeky people. At least, not geeky the way my friends and I were geeky in high school. I felt out of place and I was terrified of being labelled as "the weird nerdy one" that no one would want to talk to. I abandoned the vast majority of my incredibly geeky shirts, to the point that I cut them up with the intent to make a quilt out of them, and replaced them with girlier clothes. I just about completely ceased drawing anime during classes, because stadium seating meant more people could watch over my shoulder (I've always been a sit-up-front kind of teacher's pet), and I thought that college was supposed to be hard and thus I should not be able to draw during class and still do well. (I always ended up drawing in the margins of my notebooks anyways, or surfing the internet when I switched to online notes).

I was a LOT happier in high school than I was in college. Apart from factors like "I felt like I was doing something worthwhile with my education" and "my friends in general were not dicks," I think a large portion of it was also that I felt comfortable being geek! I didn't feel any pressure to impress ANYONE. I was, for the most part, cool with myself and my White Text on Black Tshirts, my clacky keychains and my One Ring, my baggy boy pants and my flip-flops, even in winter. I had insecurities, sure, but what teenager, or person really, doesn't? The fact of the matter is, at that point in my life, I was far more secure in myself and my place in the world than I ended up being four years later.

I mean, there are some things now that I still just don't like that I did then. White text on black tshirts? Not so much, but if I can start accumulating more colorful shirts like this one from thinkgeek, then I would be very happy! The sound of clacky keychains? Nope. However, I do have an extensive collection of nerdtastic buttons that are just BEGGING to be displayed on a purse or something.

I really just want to feel okay with being geeky again. I want my brain to work the way it did in high school. And one day, I'm going to replace that incredibly tarnished the-gold-plating-is-falling-off One Ring with a solid gold one. :3

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Watching Wil Wheaton in Criminal Minds - A Commentary

Let me just say, right now, that I have never watched Criminal Minds. It sounds like a kind of show I'd like, (psychology! woo!) though this experience will probably ruin the show entirely for me.

I've decided to watch the episode where Wil Wheaton plays a completely psychotic serial killer.... you know I think he's awesome and I KNOW he is such a sweet guy but even the idea of seeing him be totally evil is just DESTROYING ME!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!

The way I explained it to Cory was that it must've been what Fry felt like when he learned that Santa was an evil robot in the year 3000...

But I HAVE to watch it!! He wrote about the experience extensively and put it in a book I have yet to buy from him, Sunken Treasures (WHY DIDN'T I BUY IT FROM HIM AT PHOENIX COMICON RARGH!!!), and I want to get that book and read it! I don't want to read it if I haven't seen the episode!

So, here I am, watching the episode....

And the thing is, the episode is half over, and all I've seen so far is his fricken EYEBALL!! And what he's doing to the poor couple that's trapped in his motel.

....except they just revealed him.

He walks on camera, acting like a bumbling motel manager, and my first reaction?

"AUGH!!! IT'S HIM!! IT'S HIM!! IT'S THE KILLER! KILL IT!!! KILL IT!!!!!" *snatches up wireless magic imac mouse and chucks it at his evil face!*

Calm down, Megan, calm down... it... it's gonna be okay... you're watching this to witness how great of an actor he is... it's... it's gonna be fine...

I'm not going to sleep tonight....

...I think now that I've seen him... I'm okay. B-but... he was so calm, a-and joking... then he was all like BITCH-STARE!-GTFO to that guy and... joked... but then... *swallows* He's in the room with them, and those underwears AREN'T HERS!!!

AUGH! WHY DID I THINK I COULD WATCH THIS?!?! *slaps hands to face*

Commercial break. (Which on Megavideo is two seconds long).

I've been watching with my hands over my face, but with my eyes wide open, just like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone -- and yes, I did have to cover my eyes completely a couple times, NO EASY TASK WITH GLASSES ON, WIL!

omg he's terrifying. Wil, Wil, thank GOD you aren't really like this and thank GOD I didn't watch this before Phoenix Comicon or I would have been SCARED SHITLESS TO MEET YOU!

...they know it's him... will they be able to save them? If I wasn't so scared, I'd be biting my fingernails now.... yeah, that's how scared I am. *puts hands back on face and resumes episode*

....there's Wil again....

....and I'm laughing.... HOLY SHIT I AM LAUGHING AND I AM CRYING AT THE SAME TIME!!! WHY AM I CRYING?! Wait... WHY AM I LAUGHING??!?!

He's... he's like the Joker, without the laugh!!

....I can live with this, I think.

I do ever so love the Joker.... ^_^ Mark Hamill's Joker in particular....

....what.... WHAT?!

MEGAVIDEO, WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!!! THAT HAS *NOT* BEEN 72 MINUTES!!!!! THERE'S ONLY 6 MINUTES LEFT ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!?!?! THEY'RE JUST ABOUT TO BUST HIM AND YOU FUCKING JUST END IT THERE?!?!?!? HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA SURVIVE 56 MORE MINUTES?!?!?!

Oh THANK YOU JESUS!!!

I REFRESHED AND IT WORKS THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

....so they busted him, thank god, and he went running, and then.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT IS WHAT YOU CALL AY-RON-EEEEE!!!

(um... that would be irony, just btw)

....and the episode is over. And I gotta say, I'm pretty glad I watched it. Was it terrifying? Yes. Will I ever watch it again? HELL NO! ...well... probably not anyways.... But man... it was like Wil Wheaton and the Joker made a baby and it was PERFECT! XD I am incredibly proud of him... but he should never play a character like that again. Stick to the mischievously misguided asshole part if you gotta play that side of the spectrum. Don't go all the way to the dark side. THEY DON'T HAVE COOKIES THERE! THE COOKIES ARE A LIE!!

And that is the end of my Watching Criminal Minds With Wil Wheaton Fan Commentary.

...you will bet I'll be doing a similar commentary when or if I ever actually get around to watching Next Generation... cuz I'm sorry, but from the impression I get of the whole Wesley Crusher dynamic, I think I'd prefer the psychotic maniac.... and that almost rhymed. ...oh who am I kidding, no it didn't...

I feel oddly at peace now... the adrenaline is ebbing and I just kinda feel numb and blank-minded. Is this what happens to people after scary movies or something? I guess I could understand the allure of scary movies if this is what happens to you, but dude... I really don't think I should watch scary movies. I mean, HOCUS POCUS scared the shit out of me.... if I want an adrenaline rush, I think I'll stick to roller coasters...

Alrighty, then. Now that that's done, I can legally and awesomely obtain the production notes in audio format that is conveniently available at http://stores.lulu.com/wilwheaton along with many of the other things he has done. :)

Monday, June 14, 2010

My memory

So, you know how everyone has those little voices in their heads (I mean, it's not just me, right?) The voice of a good idea. The voice of self-doubt. The voice of do-the-right-thing. The voice of what-do-I-want-to-eat-tonight? Those voices.

I have a voice that doesn't like to speak up when she really damn well should.

It's my memory.

I don't know if it's genetics or my depression or what, but my memory *hates* me right now. It has for a few years. I've always been one to have things slip my mind, but it's been unbelievably bad, lately.

Yesterday, I'd realized that I'd completely forgotten that Waking Sleeping Beauty, an amazing-sounding documentary on the Disney Renaissance from 1989-99, was going to be in Phoenix. And I'd missed it by a day.

Then, today, I realized, to my extreme horror and upset, that it was Monday the 14th... and that Friday the 11th, at 7pm, I was supposed to be standing poolside at Fort Lowell park, cheering on my favorite cousins at their synchronized swimming water show. And it wasn't just a water show - it was the last water show my oldest cousin Ellen was going to be in, ever.

I love my cousins. These ones, for some reason, are really near and dear to my heart, probably because they've always looked up to me and accepted me, and I've always felt comfortable around them, more so than many of my other cousins. I've always been very proud of them. And I always loved watching them swim. Their acts are always amazing, and they consistently go to nationals.

And here's where it's just really bothering me -- I was so excited to go. I really wanted to go. I kept reminding my mom that I couldn't do anything on Friday because I had to go to the watershow. I told Donald I'd take him with me so he could hang out with my cousin Robert, who's about his age. I told Ellen I would be there and that I was so excited. I told Sean, my older brother, that he should go. On Thursday night, even, I'd told my mom that I would be going.

Then Friday came and went.

What the hell happened??

I don't really even remember what I did on Friday... I mean my mom has been really sick the past four days, and I know she stayed home sick on Friday (first pnemonia, and then a massive allergic reaction to the antibiotics they put her on). I took Donald to a movie, and I think we stopped at the library? But at 7pm, I wasn't doing anything. Maybe I was drawing. Maybe I was writing. Maybe I was hanging out with Donald or painting or something. But the point was, I was not at the water show.

I feel terrible. I've actually been crying off and on since I remembered earlier today, about 60 hours too late. I feel like I let my cousins down, and I'm afraid they'll never forgive me. I let myself down, because I really really had wanted to see Ellen swim one last time. I also didn't get to go to the water show last year because I had to work, so I wanted to make up for it by going this year. I feel rotten. I feel like a loser failure dirtbag. I wrote on Ellen's wall to tell her I'm sorry, but either she hasn't read it or she doesn't want to respond. I'd text her, but she changed phone numbers. I'd call her, but I'd break down into tears almost immediately. I just feel awful, and I can't get over it. I know it's too late to do anything about it, but I am just hating myself, and my stupid silent memory, for forgetting.

I've made efforts over the years to figure out a way to help me remember things. Probably my most successful was the calendar on my old phone. If you made a calendar appointment, you could set a reminder time, and it would ring at that time and every five minutes after that, to be really fricken sure you notice it. My new phone doesn't have that feature. It makes one small noise and is forever silent. I've tried dead-tree planners and notebooks to write down homework assignments in, I've had dead-tree calendars where I can write down things. I would even write notes to myself with dry erase on the mirror so I can't even look at my face without seeing it -- and you know what? I would forget to check all these things. Seriously.

But something has to change. I don't want to let anyone down like that again. I don't want to be like my father, who was always forgetting shit and letting me down. But I don't know what to do. And right now, all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry.

Yeah, this is my life.